When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize