I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
