I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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