Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
