I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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