when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize