Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
