She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
