there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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