SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
