Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How does one acquire holy water?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize