I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
