the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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