Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize