I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
