we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
