I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
