i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I need to align my fucking chakras
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
