i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
