I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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