sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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