she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
