I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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