I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
