peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
