I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize