took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
