i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
