Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
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