How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize