just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
