you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
