She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
