if i can run in heels then i can drive
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
