Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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