Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
