How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
