She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Randomize
