Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
