Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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