I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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