I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
