the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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