So drunk, too bad you don't want this
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
