Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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