Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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