Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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