I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I can't turn off my feet"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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