Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
