After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize