did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
