I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
