Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
