you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
