alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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