I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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