i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
