Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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