and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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