Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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