He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I would fuck him just for his dog
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
And then he peed in my hair
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